Just Hand Over The Thin Mints And No One Will Get Hurt (Girl Scout Cookies)
We chew our way through the history of America's yearly calorie indulgence.

Yes, it’s finally here; that time of year when we grab our wallets and write out large checks in order to fulfill the demands of our families as well as support our national economy. But enough about tax season; let’s talk about Girl Scout cookies.

Mistletoe, Rudy, and Coconut Dream ripoffs

[x_pullquote type=”right”]The Girl Scouts of America first had the idea to sell cookies in order to ruin the diets of every living American back in 1917, when cookies were probably made out of sawdust and hope.[/x_pullquote]The Girl Scouts of America first had the idea to sell cookies in order to ruin the diets of every living American back in 1917, when cookies were probably made out of sawdust and hope. They were first sold by the interestingly named “Mistletoe Troop” in Oklahoma, who I’ll assume did not meet in the same room as the “Spin The Bottle” Boy Scouts. These cookies were not yet the familiar, calorie-bombed versions we love to binge-eat behind our spouse’s backs today, as the girls had to make their own cookies. The 1922 issue of the Girl Scout magazine “American Girl” was the first to feature an article on using cookie sales as a troop fundraiser, as well as a somewhat racy feature on why heartthrob Rudy Valentino was not only the cat’s pajama’s but just plain the duckiest. It wasn’t until 1936 that the national Girl Scout organization began using commercial bakeries, such as Keebler, to manufacture their cookies, although their elves complained bitterly that the Scout’s “Caramel deLites” were just a ripoff of their own Coconut Dreams cookie. Some 125 troops launched cookie sales that year, which consisted of a large task force of Peanut Butter Patties proceeding up the middle of the main battle line, with 20 elite tactical troops waving boxes of Thin Mints attacking from both sides, producing a pincer effect which essentially brought America to it’s gluttonous knees.

Mrs. Brubaker’s Motivational Enhancement Therapy

As incentives to sell, Girl Scouts are offered prizes such as coupons, stuffed animals, recognition, and the promise that they will not have to sell any more Girl Scout cookies for at least a year. Girls can also choose to earn money for their troop in order to pay for such things as uniforms because Mrs. Brubaker used the troop dues to support her yearly “Motivational Enhancement Therapy” in Vegas again. Each regional council sets the price for their cookies, which has led to some controversy as illegal cookie syndicates have sprung up between neighboring towns, with rival gangs of minivan-driving moms making midnight runs of Peanut Butter Patties to sell to cutthroat cookie brokers for a profit. This has the added benefit of teaching the girls the vital position of graft in our society. Today, Girl Scout Cookies are a $700 million empire, with sales of over 200 million cookie boxes a year, enough for every man, woman and child in the United States to contract Type 2 diabetes in a week.

Girl Scout Cookie facts

  • Until recently, the record for most cookies ever sold was set by Elisabeth Brinton, who sold 18,000 boxes in a single season while garnering 122 walks and only 23 strikeouts. She even sold cookies to then-President Ronald Reagan, who immediately made her Secretary of Commerce.
  • In 1943, Girl Scouts collected fat in cans in order to aid the war effort. Ironically, today it is the cookie customers who collect fat in their cans.
  • The most popular cookie variety is the Thin Mint (25% of overall cookie sales), which is used as currency in some Indonesian countries.
  • There is an (unsanctioned) variety of marijuana called “Girl Scout Cookies”, which can be grown only with the tears of a Brownie who didn’t get her merit badge in horticulture.
  • “Golden Yangles”, “Kookaburras”, “Golden Nut Clusters”, and “Van’Chos” are not slang terms for diseases the Army warns you about in their training films, but some of the many types of cookies which are no longer made.

So the next time you’re thinking about dieting, you silly overweight American, just remember that extra box of Thin Mints you hid under the fish sticks in the deep freeze when your spouse wasn’t looking. Remember, we’re here to help.

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