In our continued efforts to educate men and sell column space we provide you with this brief guide to Shoe Shopping Survival for Men, which we hope will help you better understand why women – hey, wait, come back! It’s not that bad! We’ll even use a Sports Analogy!
Shame Waves and Shoe Fashion
If you’ve ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all we know about Belgium, it does. Take a deep breath and you can smell the shame waves wafting from multiple manufacture’s displays, telling you that what you are currently wearing should be a punishable crime compared to the suspiciously similar pieces of fake leather proudly displayed on the well-lit Plexiglas shoe holder stands before you. Why, how can you even show yourself at the next book club meeting? You might as well not wear shoes – in fact, you should just go around with your feet wrapped in soggy cardboard left over from a rotting fish throwing contest. Okay, that didn’t make sense, but then neither does shoe fashion.
All the Shoes in the World
As of last count, according to the website allaboutshoes.com, “You are not authorized to access or query our WHOIS database through the use of high-volume, automated, electronic processes”, which is to say, allaboutshoes.com is not an active site and can’t help us here. But if it were, we expect it would say there were approximately 34-to-the-third-power styles of shoes on the market. This is enough shoes to encircle the globe 14 times, causing traffic to be stopped behind rows of tiger-striped pumps and darling flats with those little roses on them, and making your wife angry because she can’t get to the store to buy more shoes. You, however, would be ecstatic, as then all of the shoes would now be outside and not here, stretching endlessly before you as a veritable sea of needless fashion. But you are here, and it is time to make the best of it.
The Inexplicable Need for Shoes
[pullquote type=”right”]To the untrained, and therefore stupid (i.e., “male”) eye, there is no rhyme or reason to the styles and variety of shoes.[/pullquote]To the untrained, and therefore stupid (i.e., “male”) eye, there is no rhyme or reason to the styles and variety of shoes. You, like most humans, have only two feet, and your simple caveman brain has calculated, quite proudly, that you can therefore only wear two shoes at a time; therefore, your outdated, never-were-in-style Harvey’s Department Store and Bait Shop discount specials you wear to everything but your wedding (even though you still can’t see why not) serve your feet just fine. However, we can only surmise that to a woman, there are variances in the Shoe Plane of Existence that only the female eye can perceive. Where you see one pair of black shoes, they see all other black shoes that Do Not Exist On Their Feet, and therefore, must be had, ergo, their life is incomplete. to whit, buy more shoes. Geneticists call this the “X Chromosome Shoe Extrapolated Footwear Variance”, or, they would, if we hadn’t just made it up. But it sure would explain why, in most women’s closets, a male will see 26 pairs of the same black shoes, but a woman will see a dangerously incomplete shoe collection, because she doesn’t have an off-black, not-quite-dark-gray slip-on half-sandal with a tiny silver (NOT gold) buckle ON THE SIDE not the top, you hairy Philistine.
So men, we hope we have helped you understand a little more about shoe shopping, which, as we promised you earlier, is a lot like a Sports Analogy, which we’re forgetting at the moment but involved NASCAR and a crash at lap 343.
[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”book”]This column is featured in the book Shopping Survival Guide for Men[/feature_headline]