[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”asterisk”]PART ONE OF A SERIES (SEE PART TWO)[/feature_headline]
Most kids these days don’t understand what good music is, what with their “Rock and Roll” and loud hot rods and flouncy poodle skirts – HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN! Anyway, let us see if we can enlighten all generations with some dubious knowledge about music from the Classical era, when men were men, except when they wore wigs, and composers wrote towering works of skilled majesty that your grandma listens to in the afternoon on NPR while she’s vacuuming.
What’s a “Chrysostomus” Anyway?
[pullquote type=”right”]Mozart’s full name was “Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart”, which he didn’t use often, as his inkwell would tend to run dry before he finished writing it.[/pullquote]Mozart’s full name was “Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart”, which he didn’t use often, as his inkwell would tend to run dry before he finished writing it. Rumor has it his name was used jokingly by the local high school boys, as in, “Boy, he sure came down with a sudden case of Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus after the party last night,” or “you better take the penicillin or you’ll get a Chrysostomus in your Wolfgangus and go blind!”. This is probably not true, as penicillin was not invented until reality TV became an epidemic, but it sure gets the music historians wound up. (Music Historians: “Does not!”) Also, despite having the name Wolfgang, he never played with Van Halen, although some sources claim he did play “Hot For Teacher” on a harpsichord at a Salzburg Junior High dance when he was 13. However, those sources are mostly us.
An Austrian Wig Prodigy
Regardless of his name, or irregardless, I can never remember which (Music Historians: “Regardless, you moron!”), he was born, in the city of Salzburg, which is in Austria, where the kangaroos live. (Music Historians: *sigh*). As Bach might have been before him and Beethoven was behind him but not anyone really beside him, he was a Child Prodigy, meaning he never got to go outside with the other kids and play football because he had to practice piano. But, on the upside, he got a lot of girls, or would have if he hadn’t been 6. Being a child prodigy had it’s perks, however, as you got your wigs for free from the Child Prodigy Society, but the downside was, again, the girls thing. His father was a minor composer himself, which meant he was busy writing songs while he toiled away deep in the Salzburg salt mines (Music Historians: “Please stop.”) He was also a successful teacher and violinist, having written the heavy metal violin instruction book “Versuch einer gründlichen Violinschule” (“Verily, One Violin Licks the Ground”). As with many composers, Mozart’s father was his first teacher, and, having suspected his immense talent early on, hoped to someday get him on a reality music show, such as “Österreich talentiertesten Träger der Perücke” (“Austria’s Most Talented Wearer of Wigs”).
Traveling in Europe Without Green M&M’s
Mozart traveled extensively in his youth, along with his sister Nannerl. With his main focus being a modicum of rock and roll and hers a smattering of country, they were billed as “Johanni & Marie”, but it soon became evident that Mozart’s talent was prodigious, and he had to get a shot before it became infectious. (Music Historians: “We’re done; our lawyer will be in touch.”) As an example of his great skill at such a young age, Mozart wrote his first opera when he was just 11. This was “Die Schuldigkeit des ersten Gebots” (“I Destroyed the School with Earnest Robots”), no doubt influenced by playing too much “Call of Duty” on his Game Boy. These travels spanned 3-1/2 years and allowed them to see most of the major cities in Europe: Munich, Rome, Milan, Mannheim, Steamroller, Zurich, London and France, but not someone’s underpants. (Music Historian’s Lawyer: “They said you were bad, but I didn’t expect this bad.”) But the traveling conditions were harsh, as in no shower on the tour bus and a less than adequate supply of green M & M’s for their dressing room. Although Mozart was popular, his father Leopold’s dream of him receiving professional employment abroad were not realized, and so they returned home to Austria to their humble kangaroo ranch (Sound Of Music Historian Lawyer Typing Up Injunction).