Musicians, Authors & Artists

All About Mozart (Part 1: Gettin’ Wiggy Widdit)
Dubious knowledge about music from the Classical era, when men were men, except when they wore wigs.

[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”asterisk”]PART ONE OF A SERIES (SEE PART TWO)[/feature_headline]

Most kids these days don’t understand what good music is, what with their “Rock and Roll” and loud hot rods and flouncy poodle skirts – HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN! Anyway, let us see if we can enlighten all generations with some dubious knowledge about music from the Classical era, when men were men, except when they wore wigs, and composers wrote towering works of skilled majesty that your grandma listens to in the afternoon on NPR while she’s vacuuming.

What’s a “Chrysostomus” Anyway?

[pullquote type=”right”]Mozart’s full name was “Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart”, which he didn’t use often, as his inkwell would tend to run dry before he finished writing it.[/pullquote]Mozart’s full name was “Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart”, which he didn’t use often, as his inkwell would tend to run dry before he finished writing it. Rumor has it his name was used jokingly by the local high school boys, as in, “Boy, he sure came down with a sudden case of Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus after the party last night,” or “you better take the penicillin or you’ll get a Chrysostomus in your Wolfgangus and go blind!”. This is probably not true, as penicillin was not invented until reality TV became an epidemic, but it sure gets the music historians wound up. (Music Historians: “Does not!”) Also, despite having the name Wolfgang, he never played with Van Halen, although some sources claim he did play “Hot For Teacher” on a harpsichord at a Salzburg Junior High dance when he was 13. However, those sources are mostly us.

An Austrian Wig Prodigy

Regardless of his name, or irregardless, I can never remember which (Music Historians: “Regardless, you moron!”), he was born, in the city of Salzburg, which is in Austria, where the kangaroos live. (Music Historians: *sigh*). As Bach might have been before him and Beethoven was behind him but not anyone really beside him, he was a Child Prodigy, meaning he never got to go outside with the other kids and play football because he had to practice piano. But, on the upside, he got a lot of girls, or would have if he hadn’t been 6. Being a child prodigy had it’s perks, however, as you got your wigs for free from the Child Prodigy Society, but the downside was, again, the girls thing. His father was a minor composer himself, which meant he was busy writing songs while he toiled away deep in the Salzburg salt mines (Music Historians: “Please stop.”) He was also a successful teacher and violinist, having written the heavy metal violin instruction book  “Versuch einer gründlichen Violinschule” (“Verily, One Violin Licks the Ground”). As with many composers, Mozart’s father was his first teacher, and, having suspected his immense talent early on, hoped to someday get him on a reality music show, such as “Österreich talentiertesten Träger der Perücke” (“Austria’s Most Talented Wearer of Wigs”).

Traveling in Europe Without Green M&M’s

Mozart traveled extensively in his youth, along with his sister Nannerl. With his main focus being a modicum of rock and roll and hers a smattering of country, they were billed as “Johanni & Marie”, but it soon became evident that Mozart’s talent was prodigious, and he had to get a shot before it became infectious. (Music Historians: “We’re done; our lawyer will be in touch.”) As an example of his great skill at such a young age, Mozart wrote his first opera when he was just 11. This was “Die Schuldigkeit des ersten Gebots” (“I Destroyed the School with Earnest Robots”), no doubt influenced by playing too much “Call of Duty” on his Game Boy. These travels spanned 3-1/2 years and allowed them to see most of the major cities in Europe: Munich, Rome, Milan, Mannheim, Steamroller, Zurich, London and France, but not someone’s underpants. (Music Historian’s Lawyer: “They said you were bad, but I didn’t expect this bad.”) But the traveling conditions were harsh, as in no shower on the tour bus and a less than adequate supply of green M & M’s for their dressing room. Although Mozart was popular, his father Leopold’s dream of him receiving professional employment abroad were not realized, and so they returned home to Austria to their humble kangaroo ranch (Sound Of Music Historian Lawyer Typing Up Injunction).

NEXT TIME: THE SALZBURG PERIOD (plus more wig wearing)

All About Beethoven: Part IV (The Part We Spell With an “I” and a “V”)
Our final installment about the Big B.


As Beethoven neared the end of his life, he was universally recognized as a master, even on Mars, because we said universally. Now moving into his “late period”, he began work on two of his most ambitious pieces, the Missa Solemnis (“A Big Mess”) and the 9th Symphony (“The One From the ‘Die Hard’ Soundtrack”). The 9th Symphony, which was performed on May 7, 1824 at the Kamtorten… Kamthertotenhamm… at a theater where they play music, was his last symphony, whose most notable feature was the incorporation of a choir, which most symphonies did not use, due to the fact that they usually fought with the orchestra over who got to use the wig powder first. Said the local newspaper Allgemeine musikalische Zeitung, “Gesundheit! What a great show!”. Rolling Stone raved, “It might have been good but we don’t speak German,” and Mother Earth News said “Whoa, we dig the hair, dude!”. Unlike his earlier concerts, this one did not make him much money, as he had forgotten to set up his merch table and sell T-shirts and busts of himself.

Deafness and Woolen Bloomers

By 1814 Beethoven was almost totally deaf; in fact, at the end of a performance of the Ninth Symphony he had to be turned around to see the thunderous applause of the audience, as his hearing loss prevented him from hearing it. Nonetheless, cheap, painted hussies still threw their large, woolen bloomers on stage, as, as we have mentioned before, Beethoven was a stud, even with that hair that stuck out all over. Regardless, or maybe regarding, we’re not sure which works better here, he resolved to continue to live for his music, which is good because otherwise we would have nothing to write about.

Death, Thunderstorms and Beiber

[pullquote type=”right”]His last compositions were his later string quartets, which were so ahead of their time that people wondered if he had gotten hold of some bad wig powder.[/pullquote]His last compositions were his later string quartets, which were so ahead of their time that people wondered if he had gotten hold of some bad wig powder. They are now generally seen as masterpieces, which means you’d better say you like them or you aren’t a real musician. He became bedridden his last few months, and died on March 26, 1827 as a thunderstorm raged, because even nature knew Beethoven rocked. His funeral was attended by 20,000 Viennese citizens, because that’s who was living in Vienna at the time. And, just as my fingers are when I mishandle Super Glue, his legacy was cemented as one of the giants of musical composition, frequently mentioned as one of the legendary “three B’s”: Bach, Beethoven, and Beiber.

Finally Free to Romp in the Meadow

And so our troubled musical bard was left to rest in peace, at least until people started to make busts out of his head and put them on the grand pianos of piano teachers where he could glare at cowering students who couldn’t remember “Every Good Boy Does Fine”. His music has been deemed so important that it is featured twice on the Voyager space probe’s golden record that will greet any extra-terrestrials who happen to find it. Unfortunately, one of these recordings was mislabeled as “The Hippy Hippy Shake” by The Swinging Blue Jeans, but since it will take approximately 3.8 billion years for the probe to be returned for correction, they just decided to let it go this time. And now we, bid adieu to Beethoven, as he romps in the meadow, finally free from the evil Dr. Varnick and oh wait that’s the dog again.

All About Beethoven: Part III (Possibly The Last Part, Unless We Come Up With More Jokes)
More funny stuff about the life of Beethoven.


A common myth is that Beethoven was deaf when he starred in that movie where he was the dog, but in reality, he was just tired of being asked for his autograph over and over and wanted a little peace and quiet, so he would just say “eh?” with one of those ear trumpet things until people left him alone. But, as fate would have it, because fate is like that, the jerk, he actually did begin losing his hearing at about the age of 26. The cause was determined not to be from listening to music too loud in his iPod earbuds, BUT THAT COULD STILL HAPPEN KIDS. By 1814 Beethoven was almost totally deaf, but he still continued to compose music, because, basically, Beethoven was a stud. This is the non-musical equivalent of Michael Jordan having lead weights tied on his custom-made Air Jordans (#22 – Lead Version – Not For Sale) and having to use a bowling ball to dunk with. Or maybe he had bowling balls tied to his feet, and had to wear lead shorts, and the basketball was a cabbage, but you get the idea.

Vienna and the Brown-Wigged Pig

[pullquote type=”right”]When Beethoven returned to Vienna, his musical style took a noticeable turn, employing the use of synthesizers and a decidedly more pop feel – no, wait, that was Van Halen, sorry.[/pullquote]In the spring of 1802 Beethoven’s Second Symphony was performed at the “Theater an der Wein” (translation: “Theater And Some Wine”). The concert was a financial success, as Beethoven was able to charge more than three times the usual cost of a ticket, even though Ticketmaster still took 30% of the sales. He was also beginning to have more works published, which was great, because, back then, publishing was like getting a spot on “Ellen.”

When Beethoven returned to Vienna, his musical style took a noticeable turn, employing the use of synthesizers and a decidedly more pop feel – no, wait, that was Van Halen, sorry. This compositional period is sometimes called his “middle period”, or “the period of the middle”, and maybe “the period that is not the beginning or the end”, but never “noisy loud times.” It featured a more animated style, with Beethoven flying around on wires during concerts – sorry, Van Halen again. Actually, it featured larger and longer works, such as his 3rd Symphony, Eroica (Junior High Boy Translation: “Erotica”) which some listeners considered to be a masterpiece, while others were just dragged there by their wives and wanted to get to the Brown-Wigged Pig before it closed. This period defined Beethoven’s style, and he was prolific in composing not only symphonies, but piano sonatas, fermatas, string quartets, cantalopes, concertos, rubertos, clementes and operas.

Sturm, Drang and the 5th Symphony

Of course his most famous work was his 5th Symphony, composed when he was done with his 4th Symphony, and boy, is it loaded with angst and stuff. Music historians call this style “Sturm und Drang” (literally, “Storm and Drang”), which, coincidentally, were also the names of Beethoven’s guitarist and drummer in his band “The Velvet Wigz” in High School. Ha ha! Just kidding; Beethoven never went to High School; as far as we can tell he graduated from somewhere with the word Polytechnik in it, as in North Berlinischestiktechkckckchhhh Polytechnik, or Gunter’s House of Polytechnik and Pawn.

As for his love life, Beethoven rekindled his relationship with Josephine Brunsvik in 1809 after her husband Count (“Really, I’m Not A Vampire”) Joseph Deym died in a mysterious wooden stake in the heart accident. He reportedly wrote her 15 love letters, which is pretty good, as he didn’t have a WiFi connection to his office printer and had to do it by hand. But his status as a commoner prevented her from being able to reciprocate, which led him to write “Layla”; no, that was Eric Clapton doggone it. Well, mostly because of his status, Beethoven remained unmarried, and got to wear whatever he wanted his entire life without having to go back and change it.

NEXT TIME: The Next Period, The One After This One, Where He Writes That Symphony For “Die Hard”.

All About Beethoven: Part II: The Next Part (After Part One)
More fun facts about the world's most scowly composer.


Having left Bonn for Vienna, Beethoven began to realize that Vienna really didn’t make those little sausages. Despite this setback, he was more determined than ever to continue his musical studies, and so began to study violin under Ignaz Schuppanzigh (Gesundheit!), counterpoint with Johann Albrechtsberger (Gesundheit!) and Italian vocal style with Antonin Salieri, who killed Mozart in that movie, and was a Kappellmeister (Gesundheit!). But his most well-known teacher was Josef Hadyn, who at the time was a very popular composer, even though he didn’t always wear his wig.

Sausage bites and hot tubs

By 1793 Beethoven was able to support himself as a musician for the first time, and so was able to move out of his apartment with the empty giant wire spool for a table and into another apartment that had a shared hot tub and free cable. He was finally moving up in the world! He established himself as quite a piano “virtuoso” (German: “Show Off”) around town, playing, for example, variations of Bach’s Well-Tempered Klavier in the parlors of swooning teenaged Viennese girls, probably tossing his hair around, and kicking his clavier bench over. In the midst of all of this swooning and tossing he secured his first public performance of one of his piano concertos in Vienna in March 1795, where, legend has it, he bit the head off a sausage on stage.

[pullquote type=”right”]He now felt sufficiently expert enough at composing to release his first Opus, which, once out of its cage, ventured tentatively out into the grass, sniffed the air, and them lifting its metaphorical wings to soar majestically into the air as it released a great honk.[/pullquote]He now felt sufficiently expert enough at composing to release his first Opus, which, once out of its cage, ventured tentatively out into the grass, sniffed the air, and them lifting its metaphorical wings to soar majestically into the air as it released a great honk. This is what Opuses do.

Quartets, quintets and hamburgers

And so by the early 1800’s Beethoven had reached his musical maturity, as up until that time he was still putting tacks on violinist’s chairs and rubber chickens in french horns. But now he was a card-carrying member of the Vienna Composers Society (Motto: “Please Give Us Money – We Don’t Want To Work At MacDonalds Again”) and so had to produce quartets and quintets and whatever comes after quintets, but probably not what comes after that. It was at this time that he wrote and had performed his first Symphony, landing him on the cover of the Rolling Stone (German: “Rollinischestmeschsch Stonischestmeschsch”), or, at least he should have, but it wasn’t published at that time. For the premier of his  symphony, Beethoven rented an old hamburger joint called the Burgtheater. Reviews were positive, and Beethoven was now being hailed as the heir to Mozart and Haydn, even though it was pretty apparent that they both couldn’t be his dad, but that’s the way it was back then. By the end of 1800 Beethoven’s music was much in demand, and his rookie baseball card was being sold on eBay for over 150 marks.

Falling in love with Josephine

It was also during this time that (cue violins) Beethoven fell in love with the daughter of Countess (Not A Vampire) Anna Brunsvik. Her name was Josephine, which apparently was a common name back then, much like most girls’ names now have to have a “y” in them somewhere. And so they began dating, even though he was a musician, and her momma told her on the phone “come on home girl”, but she was all like “but, try too understand” and her momma said “too soon to lose my baby”, and she said “he’s a magic man” and then they got married. Unfortunately, no, she actually ended up marrying a guy named Count Josef Deym, who, also unfortunately, was not a vampire. But don’t worry, Josephine will come back in the third part of our story, so get your hankies ready.

Where will the wings of adventure take our hero next? Will there be action and car chases, or just more boring music stuff? Where ARE Vienna sausages made? Tune in next time for another installment of All About Beethoven!

NEXT TIME: More Beethoven, Because We’re Not Done Yet

All About Beethoven: Part I (The Part Where He Is Born And Has To Be A Teenager For A While)
All about Schroeder's favorite composer, and then some.


Most kids these days think Mozart is the name of Katy Perry’s chinchilla and Beethoven is that dog in the movie their parents showed them when they were kids to keep them quiet in the van after drinking too many Slurpees at the Qwikee Stop after soccer practice. Ha ha! Crazy kids! Little do they know about the world of adventure and suspicious diseases that awaits them in the study of music composers from the 18th century (Official Motto: “Well, At Least Some Of Us Have Toilets Now”.)

A crucial musical figure who straddled both the Classical and Romantic eras of music, Beethoven must have had an incredibly wide stance. But, this not withstanding, he was apparently also able to sit at a piano bench and compose a lot of music, which you can still hear today if you listen to that one station that broadcasts “All Things Considered”.

One bad apple doesn’t spoil the wig powder

[pullquote type=”right”]Beethoven’s first music teacher was his father, not unlike the Jackson 5, except without the stylish dancing and Afros.[/pullquote]Beethoven was born in Bonn, Germany, which, according to Wikipedia, “has developed a concept of international co-operation and maintains sustainability oriented project partnerships in addition to traditional city Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…… Sorry, dozed off there. I’m sure Bonn is a very exciting place, and when Beethoven lived there, he must have enjoyed roaming its fun-filled streets full of Germans and wig powder shops. Beethoven’s first music teacher was his father, not unlike the Jackson 5, except without the stylish dancing and Afros. Although tradition has it his father was a harsh instructor, often driving the young prodigy to tears, at least he didn’t have to sing “One Bad Apple” on the Flip Wilson Show.

Obeying official Child Prodigy Rules, Beethoven was expected to show off for snooty courtesans with fake moles on their cheeks at as young of an age as possible. Therefore, he made his first appearance in March 1778 at age 6, where posters show he opened for “Honey Hornblower and the Stuttgart Steppers” at the Kaiserkeller, beating The Beatles there by 146 years. His first three piano sonatas, called “Kurfürst” (literally, “Gesundheit”) were published in 1783 and turned him into an overnight nothing, because, let’s face it, no one cares much about piano sonatas.

Like most teenagers in Bonn, Beethoven also spent his share of time getting into trouble doing burnouts on the Kappellmeister’s lawn in his Chevy, and getting into baton fights with rival gangs of composers. Still, he persevered, and soon found himself ready to pursue his life’s dream of becoming a Full Time Composer (Official Motto: “At Least I’m Not A Painter, Mom”).

Leaving the Big Macs behind

After graduation, Beethoven, as most accomplished musicians have throughout history, worked at a MacDonald’s for a year while trying to make his way as a composer in the Big City. Soon he began to gain the attention of local music supporters, such as Count Ferdinand von Waldstein, who, despite his name, was, unfortunately, not a vampire. It was through supporters such as these that he was able to pursue his craft as a composer, and, more importantly, to vow never to eat a Big Mac again. Beethoven also supported his income by playing viola in the court orchestra, which familiarized him with many important viola jokes, such as, “Hans, what’s the difference between a viola and a violin?” (pause for effect) “A viola incorporates a longer combustible period relative to the width, girth and weight of the respective instruments.” Trust me, back then, that was a knee slapper.

In 1792, having grown as a musician and having finally paid his dues to the Local Musicians and Viola Joke Union 102, he left Bonn for Vienna, which is in Austria, where the Sound of Music was filmed, but without any Beethoven songs. Sending his  friend off to Vienna, Count Waldstein wrote in a farewell message: “Through uninterrupted diligence you will receive Mozart’s spirit through Haydn’s hands. Also, try the weinerschnitzel at The Brown-Wigged Pig! (Official Motto: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Wig, No Pig)”. So Beethoven left for Vienna in a broken down VW van with faded flower power stickers on it, determined to make his way as an established musician in Vienna.

Next Time: The Vienna Period (WARNING: No Sausages)

Hairless Chick Magnets
It's never too late to really stink at learning to play guitar.

Have you ever wanted to play the guitar, but thought, “No, man, all I want to do is ride my bike and not be hassled by The Man!”? If so, you were probably in the movie Easy Rider, which, of course, has nothing to do with our informative article on “You Can Still Learn To Play Guitar (Not Necessarily Just To Get Chicks)”.

Knowing Your Reason to Shred

Every adult has thought about playing the guitar at one time or another, usually after seeing their favorite musician on TV and thinking, “Wow. He really got old. What happened to his hair?” Then you may have thought, “Hey! I got old! Maybe I can play the guitar, too!” Well, whether you’re 5 or 500, you can learn how to play the guitar, even if you don’t have hair. It will just somehow make it more sad.

[pullquote type=”right”]If you are like most guys, and you know you are, you should be pursuing the guitar because you love music, or you really want to annoy your kids.[/pullquote]Guys, the first thing you need to understand about playing guitar is that it is not going to automatically turn you into a Chick Magnet, unless, of course, you already are one, such as George Clooney, in which case you may be transformed into a Chick Black Hole, where women will disappear into your sexy gravitational pull. But if you are like most guys, and you know you are, you should be pursuing the guitar because you love music, or you really want to annoy your kids. And ladies, remember that playing guitar is not just a guy thing; it is also a great way to remind guys how much they lack as men as you shred their face off with “Voodoo Chile“.

Time to Choose Your Axe

Choosing a guitar at your Local Music Store is a fun, yet loud, process, so you may want to bring ear plugs. As you enter the store, all you need to do is follow the sound of the intro to “Sweet Child O Mine” that some troubled, angst-filled pre-teen is horribly destroying on a guitar that he will never be able to afford. This will lead you to the guitar section, where soon, a helpful employee will ask you if that is your kid and can you please tell him to knock it off. Once you inform him that you have your own troubled teen at home and this is not him, you can begin the process of choosing your guitar. Let the helpful salesperson know that you actually have a job and can pay in real money, and he or she will begin to ask you questions that will quickly help you decide on a guitar, so he can get back to kicking other pre-teens out of the store. First, you will need to choose between an acoustic or electric guitar. The acoustic guitar is a beautiful, sensitive instrument capable of sweet, introspective folk musings, while the electric guitar is the one that gets the chicks. Next, you will need instruction, whether that is a beginners’ guitar book or a guitar-instructing washed-up ex-hippie who just wants to ride his bike and not be hassled by The Man.

Whichever path you choose, make sure you practice consistently, so that your wife doesn’t complain about how you bought this thing and it’s just gathering dust by the TV. Soon you will be on your way to improving your musical status from dark-sock-with-shorts-wearing-dad to that of head banging Rock Guitar god. Even if you don’t have hair.
[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”book”]This column is featured in the book Dubious Knowledge (Book One)[/feature_headline]

Photo Credit: D.Clow – Maryland cc