Hey kids, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, which means it’s time to put down the scissors you’ve been running with, take the cat out of the drier and go beg dad to take you to the mall to buy a Mother’s Day card. Keep in mind he has forgotten as well, so you might learn a few new words while he drops the remote and grabs the car keys.
[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”asterisk”]You might also like “Fit to be Tied on Father’s Day”[/feature_headline]
[pullquote type=”right”]That special day where moms everywhere get to pretend they like the last-minute gift of a pack of spark plugs they got from their husbands.[/pullquote]But first, a little history about Mother’s Day, that special day where moms everywhere get to pretend they like the last-minute gift of a pack of spark plugs they got from their husbands. Most people think that Mother’s Day was started by giant greeting card companies just to make mountains of guilt money, but it was actually started by Anna Jarvis in 1907, who loved her mother so much that she sold her to Hallmark. Ha ha! Just kidding; she actually led a campaign to establish Mother’s Day as an official National Holiday in honor of her mother, Ann. It was first designated as such by West Virginia in 1910, and then quickly by the rest of the states, because apparently West Virginia suggested that it would be a shame if some “accident” happened to the other states’ porch lights. Finally, on May 8 in 1914, Congress passed a law that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day, then drove away in their shiny new cars, generously donated by the Greeting Card Industry.
In Other Countries (even Timor Leste)
Many people don’t know that Mother’s Day is not just celebrated in the United States by children who are reminded by their father’s who were reminded by their wives that Mother’s Day is tomorrow, but also in many other countries. In Argentina, Mother’s Day is celebrated in October, probably because they get cheap cards leftover from us in May. In Timor Leste it is celebrated on November 3, because nobody knows where Timor Leste is so it won’t matter if you’re not there to celebrate it with them. In South Korea it is known as “Parent’s Day”, as South Korea has finally figured out that the best way to get dads to remember Mother’s Day is if they expect to get something, too.
Choosing a Card
Choosing an appropriate card for Mother’s Day is not nearly as crucial as, say, for your wedding anniversary, where that card that farted when you opened it seemed a lot more funny in the store. As far as your mom is concerned, you could give her a bar-mitzvah card as long as you signed it “love” and “XXXOOO” and she wouldn’t care, even if it did make a fart noise when you opened it (“Mazel Tofrrrrrrrrppp!”). Many children choose to go the time-honored route of the homemade card, where you draw a heart on the back of an old utility bill with a dirty stick, tape a cotton ball on it and watch your mom cry and put it on the refrigerator for the next 20 years. That is what makes moms great, and why dads get stuck with the “I’d-rather-be-golfing” fart cards.
So kids, remember that every day is children’s day, and dads, just try to remember where you left your car keys, but also remember that Sunday is the day to celebrate the moms who shower us with wisdom, love and occasional mild guilt. Now I need to get some bed jumping in before my daily run around the house with scissors.
[feature_headline type=”left” level=”h6″ looks_like=”h6″ icon=”book”]This column is featured in the book Dubious Knowledge (Book One)[/feature_headline]