Just Hand Over The Thin Mints And No One Will Get Hurt (Girl Scout Cookies)
We chew our way through the history of America's yearly calorie indulgence.

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Yes, it’s finally here; that time of year when we grab our wallets and write out large checks in order to fulfill the demands of our families as well as support our national economy. But enough about tax season; let’s talk about Girl Scout cookies. Mistletoe, Rudy, and Coconut Dream ripoffs The Girl Scouts of America first had the idea …

I Don’t Ever Not Care If I Don’t Never Not Get Back (Cracker Jack)
Stick around for a doolalley of a column on America's oldest snack.

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Cracker Jack is a uniquely American snack surprisingly made from neither crackers nor jacks, but molasses-flavored popcorn and peanuts. It was invented in the late 19th century (Official Motto: “Anyone Want To Buy A Bunch Of Buggy Whips Cheap?”) by Frederick William Rueckheim, a Chicago popcorn vendor who developed the now closely-guarded secret method of keeping molasses-coated popcorn kernels from …

Tree Sap, Science, and Bazooka Joe’s Real Name (Chewing Gum)
We ruminate on (but don't swallow) the history of our most favorite inedible hydrocarbon polymer.

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Chewing gum is a soft, flavored confectionery designed for maximum adherence to minivan carpets. It is also used for freshening breath, blowing bubbles, popping bubbles in order to annoy coworkers, and for reminding smokers that their doctor was right: nicotine is really addictive. Tree sap vs. Manilkara zapota van Royen Varieties of substances have been chewed for enjoyment by humans for …

Come See The Best Thing Since Itself (The Bread Slicing Machine)
Taking a whack at history's most important invention (next to the cigarette umbrella).

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In the pantheon of history there exists a singular crowning achievement, a kairotic moment if you will, or even if you won’t; a truly pivotal event in the unfolding saga that is this flowering enigma called mankind, so signaled by an invention exhibiting the pinnacle of American know-how, which has since proved to be the benchmark of and ultimate standard …

All About Pizza (and 124,439 Red, Rusty 1992 Datsuns)
We slice up America's favorite food for teenagers and Ninja Turtles.

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The word “pizza” was first documented in Gaeta, Italy in 997 AD, where it meant, loosely translated, “inedible cardboard wheel”. It’s origins are hard to determine, as various groups, such as the “Hut” tribe of Kansas and the “Domino” clan of Ypsilanti, all lay claim to it’s invention, if not it’s demise. Almost every civilization with access to bread and …

Wired Goats and Pooping Marsupials (Coffee)
Coffee drinkers of the world, arise! (Unless you're drinking decaf.)

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Coffee is a brewed drink that, as you well know, is best made from the gathered excretions of certain Sumatran marsupials. So, we’re going to – wait, you didn’t know that? Well, here’s some more information for you to now know that you possibly didn’t before. (We’ll tell you more about the marsupial excretions, don’t worry.) Chuck Taylor high tops …