Just Hand Over The Thin Mints And No One Will Get Hurt (Girl Scout Cookies)
We chew our way through the history of America's yearly calorie indulgence.

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Yes, it’s finally here; that time of year when we grab our wallets and write out large checks in order to fulfill the demands of our families as well as support our national economy. But enough about tax season; let’s talk about Girl Scout cookies. Mistletoe, Rudy, and Coconut Dream ripoffs The Girl Scouts of America first had the idea …

Don’t Get Your Gootch In A Sneedle: It’s Dr. Seuss
Our murky-mooshy humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer of the most bippo-no-bungus author in history.

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Only one author in all of history can claim to have won an Academy Award and depicted Hitler as a turtle. That would be Theodore Giesel, more commonly known as “Dr. Seuss,” much less commonly known as “Jimbo the Cave-Diving Monkey Squirrel,” who sold an estimated 600 million books in his career, many of them containing the word “floob-boober-bab-boober-bubs.” Steven …

I Don’t Ever Not Care If I Don’t Never Not Get Back (Cracker Jack)
Stick around for a doolalley of a column on America's oldest snack.

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Cracker Jack is a uniquely American snack surprisingly made from neither crackers nor jacks, but molasses-flavored popcorn and peanuts. It was invented in the late 19th century (Official Motto: “Anyone Want To Buy A Bunch Of Buggy Whips Cheap?”) by Frederick William Rueckheim, a Chicago popcorn vendor who developed the now closely-guarded secret method of keeping molasses-coated popcorn kernels from …

Tree Sap, Science, and Bazooka Joe’s Real Name (Chewing Gum)
We ruminate on (but don't swallow) the history of our most favorite inedible hydrocarbon polymer.

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Chewing gum is a soft, flavored confectionery designed for maximum adherence to minivan carpets. It is also used for freshening breath, blowing bubbles, popping bubbles in order to annoy coworkers, and for reminding smokers that their doctor was right: nicotine is really addictive. Tree sap vs. Manilkara zapota van Royen Varieties of substances have been chewed for enjoyment by humans for …

Smells Like Preschool Spirit (Play-Doh)
We squeeze out a column on the world's favorite ex-wallpaper cleaner.

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Play-Doh is a modeling compound used by children as an unsupervised alternate food source plus a really easy way to make snakes. Simple, colorful and reusable, this popular creative toy is lodged in the memories of most American children like a piece of dried, red Play-Doh stuck in that “Fun Factory” thing that’s supposed to squeeze out cool tubes that …

Puck Bunnies, Flying Squids and Womochowskionski’s Crease (Ice Hockey)
We throw our gloves down and take a swing at America's most bearded sport.

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Okay, so everyone knows the joke about going to a fight and having a hockey game break out, but in case you haven’t heard it before: “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.” Possibly our most violent sport, not counting Wolverine Jarts, Russian Tank Roulette and trying to get a seat on the Chicago CTA during …